I could have sworn I’d introduced you all to my mental health issues before. Perhaps I wrote the post, then chickened out on posting it. But I distinctly remember trying to think of a witty name for the title. Whatever.
I’m diagnosed bipolar II, which basically means I get very depressed depressive states and not so awesome hypo manic episodes where I get fucking annoyed at every little thing and want to swear at people. Continuing on…
I went along not medicated for a number of years. Maybe three? I then sucked it up and confessed to my doctor that SO thought I was crazy. Dr.J listened to me and gave me a referral to a psychiatrist. So then I started what people in the community call the med-go-round. Trying multiple medications that didn’t work or gave me horrific life threatening side effects. Plus Psych.D didn’t listen that I felt like shit more than I did before.
I went on vacation a couple of months, came back, went to Psych.C, was put on a medication I knew worked well for bipolar II, coupled it with an anti-depressant which I desperately needed and bingo! I felt like a new person. I carried on for a couple of months feeling good.
Now I feel like I’m not even on my medication. My mood swings are making me want to scream at people, I don’t tolerate small things that wouldn’t bother other people and I want to cry all the time.
Worse than that is that I’m thinking about suicide again. I know perfectly well that it’s not an option for me. I know I don’t really want to succeed. It looks like an escape from all the stressors I’m facing at the moment. It’s more of a cry for help – won’t anyone listen? Or care? Or understand how crappy I’m feeling? How much pain I’m in?
This is where I ran into problems searching for professional help before, because as I wasn’t a threat to myself, it was deemed that the disorder wasn’t severe. Plus I maintained a good work ethic and was still able to act ‘normal’.
I’m here to tell you that if you feel shitty, if you find the first 5 or 10 people don’t listen, KEEP TRYING. Eventually you’ll find someone. You’ll probably have to put up with a load of crap doctors and people. But somewhere out there is someone who will listen. Someone who cares. Someone who can help you out of that black hole.
I guess here I should give some links to suicide prevention agencies. But I’m quite sure you can google those to find one in your country. Or try crazyboards.org There’s a huge community of people who care. Who’ve been through similar things.
Reach out.
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